Kali Ma Namo Namah
If I had a vocabulary three times sufficient to my current collection of language, I'd still fail to convey how much Kali Ma has come to mean to me. It's interesting, I want to say I love Her beyond words, and yet it feels so much more sufficient... so much more accurate to say that I feel absolutely drenched and encapsulated by Her Love. Never in my life have I experienced anything so real and healing. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I am a sexual trauma survivor. Working with this pain is what lead me to the path of yoga, which opened the gateway to Bhakti (the Yoga of Love and Devotion)... ultimately landing me in the loving and protective embrace of Kali. The healing that ensued is fierce, and many of the Maya (illusions) I held about myself and life were dramatically cut away. Still, I felt like something was missing... a giant piece of my life's puzzle was still hiding in the shadows of my heart and deepest recesses of my mind. Taking a bold leap into liberation requires us to see ALL that hinders that freedom. I began chanting to Kali Ma, asking Her to reveal to me what was still hidden. She supported me in creating a solid foundation of Trust... not only in Her but also in mySelf. I began to see the strength, grace, and fortitude that resides in my own Being... and the truth of Love as the essence of all I am... of all each one of US is. Once this bond of trust was steadfast between Ma and me, fragments of memories began to come up. Memories, some not as traumatic of others, yet still in need of acknowledgment and healing, began to surface. Finally, Kali saw fit to allow the light of love and healing to illumine the deepest root of my trauma. I'd gone to kirtan and my heart was wide open. When I got home, I wanted to rest in the Bhav (the emotion of devotion) with meditation. It was in this nest of Love and the Security of Sacred Practice that the fragments of memory began to piece themselves together, as though each was metallic and being magnetically drawn toward each other. As though I were watching a movie, I saw the most painful thing I could have imagined, the truth I'd been running from, as my brain finally released years of memories too traumatic to previously bear. My body had a rather visceral reaction to this revelation, and I began to hyperventilate. Immediately, I ran into the arms of my Practice. I knew I needed to soothe myself, and so I dropped into Balasana (Child's Pose). After sobbing for some time, I remembered that, in order to get out of a flashback, I needed to come into my present space... so, I looked up. It was only then that I realized I was bowing before Kali Ma. I'd unintentionally positioned myself before Her altar. A sudden feeling of warmth came over me... a very tangible sense of Love and Gratitude. I wasn't thankful for WHAT had happened, but for the seeing of it. Now I was free. There was nothing more to hide from. I am free. I hesitated as to how much of this experience to share... you see, I'm not seeking pity. Yet, with all of the #MeToo posts popping up (so grateful for every brave soul choosing to share her pain... we are stronger together!), I realized that now is the time to HEAL. My healing has come through my Practice and continues to do so. I share this in hopes that you too will find hope and trust your process. Come out of the shadows, see your beauty and love fully in the light. A couple of days later, my heart felt shattered yet surprisingly strong. The melody for the song I'm going to share here came to me. Namo Namah basically means that I bow again and again. I surrender to Love. I see. I accept. I heal. Sharanam means "refuge"... Kali Durge has become the strongest, sweetest refuge I've ever known. These mantras poured out of me with tears and remnants of the fire. Now, dancing up from the ashes, Liberation is Mine... it can be yours, too.